Our school bus has a hot tub.
It’s a great way to relax.
The kids all wear their swimsuits
and share their homemade snacks.
I like I can unwind
from the stressfulness of math
and then before my bedtime
I get to skip my bath!
We all think that it’s fun
when the driver slams his breaks
because the floor gets filled
with tiny, little lakes.
Abraham Lincoln was a fine man, but nothing compared to my cat.
It’s true that he was a smart president, and looked really good in that hat,
But he can’t meow or play with a string, and I doubt he could catch a rat.
* Why did the girl eat her math homework?
– The teacher told her it was a piece of cake.
* Why was the math book sad?
– It had too many problems!
* What do math teachers eat?
– Square meals!
* What did the witch doctor say to the mathematician?
– Hex-a-gone
* If you had 9 apples in one hand and 7 oranges in the other, what would you have?
– Really big hands!
* How do you make one vanish?
– Add a ‘g’ and it’s gONE!
* What do you call an empty parrot cage?
– Polly-gone.
* What does the zero say to the the eight?
– Nice belt!
* What is T. Rex’s favorite number?
– Eight!
* How does the mathematician cut his hair?
– “Eclipse it” (He clips it!)
* Why do plants hate math?
– It gives them square roots.
* What do ducks use for math?
– A QUACK-ulator!
* Why do mathematicians like airlines?
– They love Pi-lots.
* Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
– It improved di-vision!
My flowers are not growing.
They’re as small as small can be.
I think they would tiny
even if I were a flea.
I read in an old book,
“They’ll grow if they are fed
a tiny drop of hot sauce”
so I soaked the flower bed.
The hot sauce worked too well.
They grew ten stories tall.
I love to admire them
… but I’m really scared for fall!
I took an elephant
to the swimming pool
and learned a good lesson:
I felt just like a fool!
He always budged in line
at the diving board
and trumpeted his nose
whenever he felt bored.
He ate all of the snacks.
He drank all of the juice.
And then he yelled at me
because there was no mousse.
He forgot his towel
and told me we could share,
but it was too wet.
I had to dry with air.
He’s never going back!
His mayhem was widespread!
So tomorrow I will bring
an antelope instead.
* How do you wash a dog?
– With shampoodle!
* How long are a poodle’s legs?
– Just long enough to reach the ground!
* What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
– You might step in a poodle!
* Why are poodles terrible dancers?
– They have two left feet!
* What markets should poodles avoid?
– Flea markets!
* What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
– Cockerpoodledoo!
* What does a poodle call his dad?
– Paw!
* What did the poodle say when he sat on sandpaper?
– Ruff! Ruff!
* What happens when a poodle eats too much garlic?
– His bark is much worse then his bite!
* Did you hear about the poodle that gave birth outside?
– She got a ticket for littering!
This mother’s day will be the best mom’s ever seen
with everything I’ve planned: I’ll treat her like a queen!
There’s nothing as restful as watching the sun rise,
so I’ll wake her up to my loud “Cymbal Surprise”.
To start the day off right I decided I would bake
a gummy worm, toffee, chocolate-frosted cake.
I’ve never met someone that dislikes having fun,
so we’ll play some tag when breakfasts are all done.
And if she’s feeling down, in front of the TV
I’ll sing her fifteen songs about a coughing flee.
I’m sure you think your family
is totally bizarre,
but mine is so much stranger
than all of yours by far!
My grandma raises poodles
on the hills of Tuscany
and trains them to be waiters
for the cruise ships out at sea.
My uncle dyes his hair
to look like a snake’s skin,
then hisses like a cobra
as he hides behind a bin.
My aunt seems really shy.
She’s thoughtful and polite —
except she quacks like ducks
whenever there’s no light.
They almost can act normal
if you see them one by one
— but get them all together
and your Christmas is real fun!
Authors Steve & Natasha