* What do you call a fish with a tie?
– So-FISH-ticated

* What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
– Swimming trunks.

* What part of a fish weighs the most?
– The scales!

* Where are most fish found?
– Between their head and tail!

* Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
– They’re shellfish!

* What do sea monsters eat?
– Fish and ships.

* What do you call a fish without an eye?
– Fsh!

* What do maps and fish have in common?
– They both have scales!

* How does an octopus go to war?
– Well-armed!

* What’s the difference between a piano and a fish?
– You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!

* Why don’t fish like basketball?
– They’re afraid of the net!

* What’s the musical part of a fish?
– The scales!

* How do you get an oyster to the hospital?
– In a clam-bulance!

… If you think of a better fish pun, let minnow…

* Where can you find an ocean with no water?
– On a map!

* What kind of rocks are never under water?
– Dry ones!

* Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
– They dropped out of school!

* What runs, but never walks?
– Water!

* What did the ocean say to the beach?
– Nothing, it just waved!

* What do mermaids sleep on?
– Water beds!

* What do you get when you throw a billion books into the ocean?
– A title wave!

* What kind of hair did the ocean have?
– Wavy!

* Who cleaned the bottom of the ocean?
– A Mer-Maid

* Why were the student’s grades underwater?
– They were all below C level.

* What happens if you throw a white hat into the Black Sea?
– It gets wet!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Water?
Water who?
Water you waiting for? Open the door!

* What’s a royal pardon?
– What you say when a Queen burbs!

* Why is England the wettest country?
– The queen has reigned for years!

* Where do kings and queens get crowned?
– On the head!

* Where does the Queen keep her armies?
– Up her sleevies.

* What do people say if a knight in shining armor gets killed?
– Rust in peace!

* Who made King Arthur’s round table?
– Sir-Cumference

* What has six legs, four ears and a suit of armor?
– A king on horseback!

* When is a piece of wood like a king?
– When it’s the ruler!

* What is the first thing a queen does when she comes to the throne?
– Sits down!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Queen?
Queen who?
Queen your room. It’s filthy!

* Why are graveyards noisy?
– Because of all the coffin!

* What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire?
– Lots of blood tests!

* Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
– They were trans-parents!

* What do you call two witches who share a broom?
– Broom mates.

* What room can’t ghosts go in?
– The “living” room!

* Why do witches use brooms?
– Vacuum cleaners are far too heavy!

* Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
– To get a spare rib.

* Why do vampires need mouthwash?
– They have bat breath.

* What did the mummy say to the detective?
– Let’s wrap this case up.

* What is a ghost’s favorite ride?
– A roller-ghoster.

* What witch is good when it’s dark?
– A lights-witch!

* What do you get when two skeletons dance in a biscuit tin?
– Noise!

* What are a ghost’s favorite pants?
– Boo jeans!

* What do you read on Halloween?
– Boo-ks

* What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
– Prank-enstein!

* What did the skeleton order with his drink?
– A mop.

* Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
– There are so many plots there!

* Why did the vampires cancel the baseball game?
– They couldn’t find their bats.

* What do ghosts eat for dinner?
– Spook-getti!

* Where do ghosts get their mail?
– At the ghost office.

* What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
– It Sphinx!

* What do witches put on their hair?
– Scare spray!

* What do you call someone who eats school lunch everyday?
– Starving!

* What’s the only sandwich worse than school lunch?
– A knuckle sandwich!

* What do you call the lunch lady who fixes fruit?
– A cherry cobbler!

* What’s the difference between school lunches and a pile of slimy snails?
– School lunches are served on a plate!

* Did you hear about the students that could learn super quickly?
– They started bringing their own lunches the second day.

* What stops a lunchroom food fight?
– A peas treaty!

* What’s the worst thing about eating school lunch?
– The food!

* How do bees get to school?
– The school buzz!

* Why did the broom get poor grades in school?
– It was always sweeping during class!

* What do you get when you cross a teacher with a lion?
– I don’t know, but you better behave!

* What did you learn in school today?
– Not enough… I have to go back tomorrow!

* What’s a snake’s favorite subject?
– HISStory!

* What’s a pirate’s favorite subject?
– Arrrrrrt!

* Why was school easier for cave people?
– There was no history to study!

* What kind of teacher passes gas?
– A tutor!

* Why did the student bring scissors to class?
– He wanted to cut class!

Teacher: Where are the Great Plains located?
Student: At the great airports!

Teacher: A man left San Fransisco driving 200 mph and a woman left New York City driving 300 mph. Where did they meet?
Student: In jail!

* Did you hear about the girl who ran away with the circus?
– The police made her bring it back!

* Why did the clown eat his dollar bill?
– It was his lunch money.

* What happened when the magician got mad?
– He pulled out his hare!

* Why is it hard to hire a clown?
– They have big shoes to fill.

* What happened when the lion ate the clown?
– He felt funny!

* What’s pink and stuck between an elephant’s toes?
– Slow Clowns.

* What happened when a clown died?
– All his friends came to the funeral in one car.

* Did you hear about the human cannonball?
– He got fired!

* How do you make a dinosaur float?
– Put two scoops of ice cream on him!

* What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
– Ice Cream

* What’s the best way to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
– Take him out for ice cream!

* How do mathematicians eat ice cream?
– In a CONE.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Ice Cream.
Ice Cream who?
Ice Cream if you don’t open the door soon.

Bert: Do you want any ice cream, Ernie?
Ernie: Sherbert.