Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in… we’re cold!

* Why did the lettuce go red?
– It saw the salad dressing.

* What did the Bacon say to the Tomato?
– Lettuce get together!

* What can you cook with epileptic lettuce?
– Seizure salad!

A man went to the doctors with lettuce hanging out of his ear. “That looks bad,” the doctor said. “This is just the tip of the iceberg!” the man replies.

* Why did the king go to the dentist?
– To get his teeth crowned!

* What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?
– Braces himself

* Why does Dracula clean his teeth three times a day?
– To prevent bat breath.

* Why couldn’t the dentist help the girl who ate glue?
– Her lips were sealed!

* What did the dentist see at the North Pole?
– A molar bear

* What did the tooth say to the dentist when he left?
– Fill me in when you get back

* Why did the tree go to the dentist?
– To get a root canal.

* What time do you go to the dentist?
– Tooth Hurty! (2:30)

* What did the judge say to the dentist?
– Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

* Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
– Dracula’s dentist

* What does a dentist give an elephant with a sore tooth?
– Plenty of room!

* “Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?”
– I don’t know… the dentist kept it.

* What does a dentist call his X-rays?
– Tooth-pics!

* What did the Abominable Snowman eat after his tooth was pulled out?
– The dentist.

* Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon?
– It was full.

* What star wears sunglasses?
– A movie star!

* What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?
– The space bar!

* What’s a light year?
– Same a regular year, but healthier for you.

* How do astronauts serve dinner?
– On flying saucers.

* What do planets like to read?
– Comet books!

* Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
– He was looking for Pluto.

* What did Venus say to Saturn?
– Give me a ring!

* How many paperclips would it take to reach the moon?
– One, but it would have to be very large.

* What do you call a bug on the moon?
– A Luna-Tick!

* What do you call a crazy man in space?
– An astro-nut!

* How did the solar system hold up its pants?
– With an asteroid belt!

* When do astronauts eat their lunch?
– At launch time.

* What do planets sing?
– Nep-tunes!

* How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?
– It’s full.

* Why did the teacher marry the janitor?
– He swept her off her feet!

* How do you get straight A’s?
– Use a ruler!

* What do you do if a teacher rolls her eyes at you?
– Roll them back to her!

* Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?
– It always went back four seconds.

* What subject is the easiest for a witch?
– Spell-ing!

* What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?
– Bookworms

* Why didn’t the sun go to college?
– Because it already had a million degrees!

* Why was the broom late for school?
– He over swept.

* What do elves learn their first year in school?
– The elf-abet!

* What’s the worst thing you’re likely to find in the school cafeteria?
– The food!

* What is the world’s tallest building?
– The library. It has the most stories.

* What flies around the school at night?
– The alpha-bat!

* What did the cross eyed teacher say to the principal?
– “I can’t control my pupils!”

* Why can’t I achieve my dreams?
– My teacher won’t let me SLEEP in class!

* Why did the girl eat her math homework?
– The teacher told her it was a piece of cake.

* Why was the math book sad?
– It had too many problems!

* What do math teachers eat?
– Square meals!

* What did the witch doctor say to the mathematician?
– Hex-a-gone

* If you had 9 apples in one hand and 7 oranges in the other, what would you have?
– Really big hands!

* How do you make one vanish?
– Add a ‘g’ and it’s gONE!

* What do you call an empty parrot cage?
– Polly-gone.

* What does the zero say to the the eight?
– Nice belt!

* What is T. Rex’s favorite number?
– Eight!

* How does the mathematician cut his hair?
– “Eclipse it” (He clips it!)

* Why do plants hate math?
– It gives them square roots.

* What do ducks use for math?
– A QUACK-ulator!

* Why do mathematicians like airlines?
– They love Pi-lots.

* Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
– It improved di-vision!

* How do you wash a dog?
– With shampoodle!

* How long are a poodle’s legs?
– Just long enough to reach the ground!

* What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
– You might step in a poodle!

* Why are poodles terrible dancers?
– They have two left feet!

* What markets should poodles avoid?
– Flea markets!

* What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
– Cockerpoodledoo!

* What does a poodle call his dad?
– Paw!

* What did the poodle say when he sat on sandpaper?
– Ruff! Ruff!

* What happens when a poodle eats too much garlic?
– His bark is much worse then his bite!

* Did you hear about the poodle that gave birth outside?
– She got a ticket for littering!

* What does the Easter Bunny do in the rain?
– Get wet!

* How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
– With a hare-dryer!

* How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
– Egg-xercise and hare-robics!

* How do you catch a rabbit?
– Make a noise like a carrot.

* What do you get if you cross the Easter Bunny with an insect?
– Bugs bunny

* Why shouldn’t you ever tell a joke to an Easter egg?
– It might crack up!

* How does the Easter Bunny afford to buy so much candy?
– He’s a million-hare!

* How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
– One… after that it’s not empty any more!

* What do you call an elephant in your bathroom?
– Stuck!

* What do you get when an elephant sky dives?
– A big hole.

* What is the difference between an elephant and a banana?
– If you don’t know, I’m never eating a banana split at your house!

* How can you tell if there’s an elephant in the ice cream shop?
– His bike is outside.

* What time is it when an elephant sits in a chair?
– Time to buy a new chair!

* What’s big and grey with horns?
– An elephant marching band!

* How do you raise a baby elephant?
– With a fork lift!

* How do you get down from an elephant?
– You don’t! You get down from a duck.
(Down is another name for duck feathers!)

* How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?
– Grapes are purple.

* How is an elephant like a pencil?
– Both are yellow… except for the pencil.

* What did the peanut say to the elephant?
– Nothing! Peanuts can’t talk.

* What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
– Lost.

* What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
– An elephant can have fleas but fleas can’t have elephants.