My mom hoover-ed the carpet
All around my feet
But I refused to lift them.
I was comfy in my seat!

So she ran the vacuum
On top of all my toes
And I felt it sucking
Me up into the hose.

I swirled into the vacuum
And wondered if she knew
What her only daughter
Had just been pulled into.

The vacuum bag was cozy.
I was on a bed of dust.
I probably could live here
If I had time to adjust.

There were cookie crumbs to eat.
There were threads that I could weave
Into brand new clothing
If I ever had to leave.

I even found my earrings
Next to my missing keys.
I loved the hotter weather
That felt cool with the breeze.

Last night I’m glad I wasn’t
Near the laundry bin
Or I’d be in the washer
Filled with water, set on spin!

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

My mom got me a butler
To help out with the chores.
I have him fold my laundry
Then place them in my drawers.

He puts away my toys.
He brings me all my snacks.
But I’m sure his training
Was a little lax.

When he makes my bed,
The pillow’s near my feet.
If he sweeps the floor
The right side’s incomplete.

He never clears the dishes
Without dropping some.
I even caught him dusting
While trying to suck his thumb.

I told my mom, “He’s lazy!
I want to have another.”
But we have to keep him
Because he is my brother.

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

My grandma is a ninja.
She dresses all in black.
Between two sips of tea,
She fends off an attack.

She offers milk and cookies
To muggers with her purse,
Then does a flying roundhouse
That sends them to the nurse.

She throws her knitting needles
And always hits her mark.
I’ve seen her flying jump kick
That takes down any shark.

Only one man can match her.
Their fights end in a draw.
He’s a fearless sensei,
Who’s also my grandpa!

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

Silvia Freezer,
A serial sneezer,
Would achoo achoo all day.
Her nose had a lot
Of sticky green snot
She loved to rocket away.

Her nose bomb receptor
Stocked up on pepper
With baths in black peppercorns.
But that’s in the past
Sneezing never can last:
Now she burps as loud as train horns.

Enjoy this poem?

Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

A spider asked her daughter
What would you like to eat?
I’m sure that I can make you
Any scrumptious sort of treat.

Like Grub-ble beetle bubble gum?
Mothed potatoes soaked in plum?
Cricket Coleslaw Crepes with Lime?
Ant-a-roni drenched in slime?

Locust larva on a stick?
Barbequed-Bee smoked with tick?
Mesquite mosquito? Slug fillet?
Flea Burrito? Worm Saute?

She thought about those options.
“They all sound really nice.
But what I’d really like to eat
Is simply deep flied rice.”

Enjoy this poem?

Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

I went down to the Broken Store
To buy a shattered toy.
There were so many choices
That my heart strings rang with joy.

A G.I. Joe with out a toe,
A bat without a ball
(and if you tried to swing it
You were guaranteed to fall).

Matchbox cars with just one wheel
And dolls without their knees.
A game of Twister so destroyed
It looked like shredded cheese.

Kazoos that made a silent sound
And books without an end.
There even was a bent pinwheel
Impossible to mend.

I browsed through all my options and
I settled on Twister.
It’s worthless and it’s perfect as
A gift for my sister.

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

The Borda Biters bit my brother
right upon the nose
and then the Borda Biters
had the nerve to bite his toes.

The crunched above his hips
and they gnawed below his knees.
They even chewed his lips between
his bites of Mac and Cheese.

But when they raised their triples heads
and set their sights on me,
That is when I squashed them all as
fast as fast can be!