* What did the pirate say when his wooden leg froze?
– Shiver me timbers!

* What was the pirate’s girlfriend called?
– Peggy!

* Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
– They spend years at C!

* When does a pirate get a new ship?
– When it’s on sail!

* How much did the pirate pay for earrings?
– A buccaneer!

* Why was the pirate good at basketball?
– He had a great hook shot!

* Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
– The were standing on the deck!

* What did the sea say to the Pirate Captain?
– Nothing. It waved!

* How much did the pirate pay for his hook and peg leg?
– An arm and a leg!

* Why are pirates called pirates?
– They just arrrrrgh!

* Why shouldn’t you wear a cardboard belt?
– It’s a waist of paper!

* What’s the biggest problem with snow boots?
– They melt!

* What did one hat say to the other?
– You stay here. I’ll go on ahead!

* How do you warm up a room while you’re painting?
– Give it a second coat!

* What did the house wear?
– Address!

* Why shouldn’t you wear a cardboard belt?
– It’s a waist of paper!

* What kind of jacket does an octopus wear?
– An Army Jacket!

* Why did the golfer have an extra pair of pants?
– In case he got a hole in one!

* How do fleas travel?
– By itch-hiking!

* What do you call a wasp?
– A wanna-bee!

* Why did the queen bee go to the doctor?
– She had hives!

* What is the greasiest bug?
– A butter-fly!

* What green bug jumps over cups?
– A glasshopper!

* Why did the bee cry?
– He missed his honey.

* What is the biggest ant in the world?
– An eleph-ant!

– What’s a moth’s favorite class at school?
– Moth-matics!

* How do bees brush their hair?
– With honey comb!

* Where do butterflies like to dance?
– Moth balls!

* Where do sick bees go?
– The wasp-ital!

* How do you know if a fly is an actor?
– He’s on the screen!

* What bugs live in clocks?
– Ticks!

* What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
– Straw-berries!

* Why were the strawberries late?
– They were trapped in a jam!

* What is red and goes up and down?
– A strawberry in an elevator!

* What do you call a sad strawberry?
– A blueberry.

* How do you make a Strawberry shake?
– Put it into the freezer until it shivers!

* What dessert does a turkey like?
– Strawberry gobbler!

* Why couldn’t anyone call the zoo?
– All the phone lions were busy!

* What did the buffalo say to his kid when he went to work?
– Bi-son!

* What did one toad say to the other?
– 
Wart’s new?

* Why wasn’t the octopus at the zoo?
– He joined the ARMY!

* What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
– A pie-thon!

* What do you call a crying Camel?
– A humpback wail!

* What are zoo’s floors made of?
– Rep-tiles!

* Where do sheep get their hair cut?
– At the baa baa shop!

* Where do kangaroos like to eat?
– At ihop!

* How can you trick a sheep?
– Pull the wool over his eyes!

* What happened when the owl lost his voice?
– 
He didn’t give a hoot!

* Where do cows go for lunch?
– The calf-eteria!

If you are looking for animal jokes, I also have collections of bird jokes, cat jokes, chicken jokes, cow jokes, fish jokes, horse jokes, monkey jokes, and poodle jokes.

* What is a king’s favorite weather?
– Hail!

* What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
– Thunderwear!

* Why did the woman open her purse in the park?
– She expected some change in the weather.

* What’s a tornado’s favorite game?
– Twister!

* Why did the hurricane wear a monocle?
– It only had one eye!

* How does the rain tie its shoes?
– With a rainbow!

* What did one raindrop say to the other?
– Two’s company. Three’s a cloud!

* What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
– You might step in a poodle!

* What goes up when the rain comes down?
– An umbrella!

* Why was the lightning bolt in the news?
– Are you sure you want to know… it’s shocking!

* What is the opposite of a cold front?
– A warm back!

* What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
– Want to go for a spin?

* Why should you avoid tornado chasers?
– They’re always passing wind.

* Why shouldn’t you fight with a cloud?
– He’ll storm out on you!

* What should you bring to a party in the jungle?
– Chimps and dip!

* What did the banana say to the monkey?
– Nothing, bananas can’t talk!

* What do monkeys wear when they are cooking?
– Ape-rons!

* Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?
– To a retailer!

* What do you call a monkey with a wand?
– Hairy Potter!

* What do you call an angry monkey?
– Furious George!

* What kind of monkey flies?
– A hot air baboon!

* What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
– Anything you want… he can’t hear you!

* What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
– A chipmunk!

* Where do monkeys get their gossip?
– Through the ape vine!

* Where does a baby ape sleep?
– In an apricot!

* Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
– Because they have big fingers!