* Why does an elephant use her trunk as a bookmark?
– Then she NOSE where she stopped reading!

* What do planets like to read?
– Comet books.

* Why was the dinosaur afraid to go to the library?
– His books were 65 million years overdue.

* What vegetables do librarians like?
– Quiet peas!

* Where does a librarian sleep?
– Between the covers!

* What building has the most stories?
– The library!

* Where was the librarian when the lights went out?
– In the dark!

* What does a book do in the winter?
– Puts on a book jacket!

* What do librarians take fishing?
– Bookworms!

* Why didn’t the burglar break into the library?
– He was afraid he’d get a long sentence!

* What does the librarian say when she has to leave?
– Time to book!

* Why did people stop going to the library?
– It was all booked!

* Why did the ghost come back to the library every day?
– She went through her books too quickly!

* How do brave Egyptians write?
– With Hero-glyphics!

* What did Pharaoh say when he saw the pyramid?
– Mummy’s home!

* Why don’t mummies take vacations?
– They’re afraid to relax and unwind!

* What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
* See-Nile!

* What did King Tut say when he had a nightmare?
– I want my mummy!

* Where do Pharaohs like to eat?
– Pizza Tut!

* Did you hear about the tense mummy?
– He was all wound up!

* Where do mummies go for a swim?
– To the dead sea!

* Why didn’t Cleopatra go to the psychiatrist?
– She was the Queen of Denial!

* Did you hear about the angry mummy?
– He flipped his lid!

* Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
– His daddy was his mummy!

* What music do mummies list to?
– Wrap!

* Which underwear does King Tut wear?
– Fruit of the tomb!

* Do mummies enjoy being mummies?
– Of corpse!

* What does King Tut’s secretary say on the phone?
– The King can’t talk right now. He’s all wrapped up!

* What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
– Any old girl he can dig up!

* What did one pyramid say to the other?
– How’s your mummy!

* What do they say at ancient Egyptian funeral homes?
– Satisfaction guaranteed, or double your mummy back!

* What do you call an Egyptian doctor?
– Cairo-practor.

* What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
– A rash of good luck!

* What did one Irish ghost say?
– ‘Top o’ the moaning!

* Why can’t you iron a four-leaf clover?
– Because you shouldn’t press your luck!

* What does Ireland have more of than any other country?
– Irishmen!

* Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
– It was too far to walk!

* What is Irish and left on the lawn?
– Paddy O’Furniture!

* Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?
– In the Little League!

* What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?
– A jig mistake!

* Where can you always find gold?
– In the dictionary!

* What did the leprechaun put in the vending machine?
– A lepre-coin!

* Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patty’s Day?
– Because real rocks are too heavy!

* How did the leprechaun go to the moon?
– In a sham-rocket!

* What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
– Some poor horse is going barefoot!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Irish!
Irish Who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

* How do you get an alien to sleep?
– Rocket!

* What do you call an alien with three eyes?
– An aliiien!

* What do you call a space ship that drips water?
– A crying saucer!

* Where do aliens go to school?
– Universe-ities!

* What did the alien say to the garden?
– Take me to your weeder!

* What do aliens wear to weddings?
– Space suits!

* What is an alien’s favorite website?
– Space-book!

* What do you say to a two-headed alien?
– Hello! Hello!

* What do aliens like to drink?
– Gravi-tea!

* What did the beach say to the wave?
– Long tide, no sea!

* What did Cinderella wear when she swam in the ocean?
– Glass flippers!

* What do you call a lazy crayfish?
– A slobster!

* Why did the octopus cross the road?
– To get to the other tide.

* What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
– It gets wet.

* What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships!

* What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
– A nervous wreck

* What kind of hair do oceans have?
– Wavy!

– What did the magician say to the fisherman?
– Pick a cod, any cod!

* What’s the most popular TV show in the ocean?
– Whale of fortune!

* What did one wave say to the other wave?
– Nothing. It waved!

* How do you make an octopus laugh?
– With TEN-tickles!

* Why did the lobster blush?
– Because the sea weed!

* What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool?
– Show me your mussels.

* What did the horse say when it fell?
– I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

* What do you give a sick horse?
– Cough stirrup.

* Which horses only go out at night?
– Nightmares!

* What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
– A little hoarse.

* What sickness do horses hate the most?
– Hay fever!

* What does it mean if you found a horseshoe?
– A horse is walking around in his socks!

* Which side of the horse has the most hair?
– The outside!

* How long are a horse’s legs?
– Long enough to reach the ground!

* What do you call a horse that lives next door?
– A NEIGH-bour.

* When does a horse talk?
– Whinny wants to!

* Why did the horse cross the road?
– Somebody shouted hay!

* Why do people ride horses?
– Because they’re too heavy to carry!

* What happened to the math teacher’s plant?
– It grew square roots!

* What happened to the teacher who took the school bus home?
– The police made her bring it back!

* What’s the worst thing that can happen to a geography teacher?
– Getting lost!

* Did you hear about the teach who took attendance?
– He was ABSENT-minded.

* Why did the children eat their homework?
– The teacher said it was a piece of cake.

* Why did the snake get a detention?
– He was HISSpering!

* Why did the teacher write on the window?
– She wanted the lesson to be clear!

* What meals do math teachers eat?
– Square meals!

* What tests do witch teachers give?
– HEX-aminations

* Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
– In the piano!

* What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?
– Summer!