I sprinkled carpet seeds
before going to bed.
(They’re tiny little pods
of balled-up dark green thread.)

Immediately my floor
sprouted fine green hair.
It grew up through my toes!
I leaped onto the chair!

A rug crept up the wall.
My room had Berber drawers.
A tapestry had grown
clear across the doors.

A dozen fiber vines
tangled through my room.
A nylon carpet flower
opened in full bloom.

I could not believe
the way the fabric spread…
I’m glad I didn’t plant
the leopard seeds instead!

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

Today I came across
my own Expand-o gun.
It makes anything big —
I think this will be fun!

I aim it at my bed
until it fills the room
then slide down from the top
in my king costume.

I cut a little seat
out of a juicy pear
and then I expand it
into a royal chair.

I plan to turn a tack
into a mighty sword,
but my gun won’t stop —
I even yank the cord!

It hits the toilet bowl.
I watch it grow and grow:
The handle’s in the clouds!
That’s bad! I have to go!

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

There are a dozen houses
in our neighborhood
each of them is brown
with siding made of wood…

Except for just one house
that always gets a stare.
That is where is I live —
It’s covered in blue hair!

The door is triangles
that open up and down.
If I do not clean them,
they almost seem to frown.

All of the window blinds
blink throughout the day.
Our porch light sneezes mud
if I bring home a bouquet.

I have to trim the fur
in our brick chimney
or the mantle starts
to looks like a goatee.

So if you’re coming over
to knock on my front door
I hope you’re not surprised
when my house lets out a R-O-A-R!!!

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

The garbage truck howled
and rolled down our street
while searching the curb
for fresh trash to eat.

A kind humble beast
with two blinking eyes
and large steal teeth
surrounded by flies.

Leaving recycling
it ate all the rest,
from tacos to bolts
— and even a chest!

It’s so important
it always stays fed…
or it might just eat
a mailbox instead.

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

I dug the middle out
of my French baguette,
and cut a dozen holes
to make a clarinet.

Sally got old buns
to make a xylophone.
Sam used two bread sticks
like a slide trombone.

We took our instruments
beneath a poplar tree
and when we all had tuned
we played a symphony.

Our music was superb!
A fascinating sound!
So that is what we do
when we “loaf” around.

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

I miss my cat! I miss my cat!
Since he got a job
He’s had so many hours
that he has to log.

He’s a fighter pilot
With the Kitten Squad
So all his toys are home
just sitting here un-pawed

Doing loop-de-loops
is his new catnip
Which really is surprising
I thought he’d man a ship!

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

I silently tip-toe.
I hide and I sneak.
I won’t make a noise.
My shoes do not squeak.

I’m being as quiet
as I can be
but my lion roars
at poetry.

If he’s near short fiction
he bats with his paws.
If he sees an atlas
it goes in his jaws.

He’s usually calm
like very old dogs
He just gets excited near
card catalogs.

I’m not really sure
why your angry with me
I’m being quiet
in the library.

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Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.

My family went to swim
at a sea that wasn’t there.
But we still chose to stay
since we all were in swimwear.

We built a dozen castles
On the old seaside.
but they won’t disappear
Because there is no tide.

My brother tried to dunk me
unsuccessfully.
But I was never worried
since there wasn’t any sea.

My dad was jumping waves
by the orange beach chair.
My mom just sat and watched
so she wouldn’t mess her hair.

We all had so much fun
on this water-less swim trip
that next year we must book
a Cruise without a ship!

Enjoy this poem?

Check out my book My Sister Steals My Toys. It contains 109 other funny poems I wrote.